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The “Ick” and Our Attachment: 5 Questions to Understand What it Means For You
Many of us have heard of “the ick” at this point. In the 90’s we would have perhaps called it “Seinfeld Syndrome”, after the famous comedian’s TV show documenting his dating woes became mainstream. You might have a friend who consistently finds faults with the person they’re dating and runs the other way. Maybe you’ve even felt it yourself; one day, you’re into someone, and the next, a tiny action or habit, the way they walk or move, suddenly feels unbearable. Maybe they have a weird walk, made an awkward joke, or used the incorrect “you’re/your” and now your attraction is gone.
But what is “the ick,” really about, and how can we use it to learn about ourselves and our attachment styles?
While it might seem superficial and irrational, the ick often represents a deeper psychological phenomenon. It can act as a protective mechanism; a part of self that has found a way of keeping us safe from emotional vulnerability, intimacy, or past relationship damage.
What Is “The Ick”?
“The ick” is a term that’s rapidly gained popularity through social media and dating culture over the last couple of years. It refers to a sudden, intense feeling of repulsion or disinterest toward someone you’re romantically involved with. People often describe “the ick” to me as a desire to run away from the relationship, and they often wonder whether it’s their intuition speaking to them and telling them to escape. It comes on strongly and once it’s there it can be very difficult to switch back to being attracted to the other person.
The triggers to the ick are often small and seemingly not “deal breakers”, but can feel in your body as though something is “wrong” and this is not the right partner for you. It makes you question your choices in dating and you begin to contemplate ending the relationship. The truth is, it is almost always about ourselves rather than the other person.
The Ick and Vulnerability
I frequently talk with people about the idea that there can be no intimacy without vulnerability. To understand how parts of ourselves use the ick to protect us, it can help to look at how we deal with vulnerability in romantic relationships.
Creating any kind of relationship with someone naturally and essentially comes with risk: that the relationship could end and we could be hurt. This can happen through one person choosing to end the relationship, betraying the relationship, sudden unavailability due to moves or other factors, or ultimately, even death. Furthermore, a condition of building intimacy in a relationship is that we reveal parts of ourselves over time that we don’t reveal to everyone.
Vulnerability is essential to intimacy, but it also makes us feel raw and exposed. When we begin to get closer to someone, particularly if that connection is emotionally meaningful, that scared part of us may panic. This internal alarm system can interpret closeness as danger, especially if we’ve been hurt in a romantic relationship before or if we’re carrying developmental trauma wounds from our earlier life.
The ick is the sound of the alarm. Instead of keeping both feet in the relationship and creating more connection, we hyper-focus on that thing, the annoyance, the body part or habit we feel so averse to. Now that we are focused on the ick factor, we have created a disconnect or emotional distance – now that part of us feels we are protected from the danger of connection.
Origins of The Ick
Attachment Theory and theories on developmental and complex trauma have a lot to say about the ick (in different wording, of course!). We all have different responses to the vulnerability of relationships – some avoidant (the ick becomes a way to create distance and end the relationship before you can get in “too far”), some anxious (in this case the ick is usually a fear-based alarm telling you to get out), and everything in between. Even those who have a secure attachment style can experience the ick, especially if they’ve gone through a betrayal or difficult ending at some point in their past.
Discerning What “The Ick” Is Telling You
The ick can make us feel a bit “crazy” and unsure what it really means. The urge to run can be overpowering, so it can be helpful to step back for a bit and give yourself some time to explore what is truly going on internally for you. You can journal with these questions or talk with a trust friend or therapist to help understand what you’re experiencing.
Here are a few questions you can ponder when you feel it in a relationship:
- How serious is the trigger that is causing the ick? Is it something workable in a relationship or what I would consider a deal breaker?
- When did the ick come on? If you trace it back to recent interactions and events, was it shortly after either a very connected and vulnerable experience, or an experience that made you a bit nervous about the relationship?
- How do I feel about this person? If deeper feelings are starting to develop, that alarm system might start ringing.
- Is this a pattern for me? Can I look back and see times I have run away from something that could have been positive?
- Does it feel like I am “cherry picking” small things to not like about this person? Could this be my way of avoiding pain if the relationship ended?
How Do I Manage the Ick?
It’s important to clarify that there are, of course, times when the ick is actually telling you that this is not the right person or situation for you. It can be hard to tell whether it’s your intuition talking or these attachment issues coming out. You never want to force yourself to stay in something that is sending up red flags, feels abusive or harmful, or just plain is not for you.
If you’ve run through your own inventory, explored the above questions, and come to the conclusion that it’s more likely your own “stuff” causing the ick, it can be helpful to find a balance of “leaning in” to the relationship while also slowing things down and taking time to yourself. Journaling about your fears or other feelings, reflecting, and meditating can be helpful, as well as simply doing solo activities that bring you back to a sense of independence.
If you are in a relationship that feels safe enough to be emotionally open, you could consider talking with your partner about your fears and exploring how they might hold space for it and how you might work together to encourage healthy vulnerability and creating safety for each other.
Finally, working through attachment concerns in therapy can help us become aware and gain more insight into our own patterns, our relationship with ourselves and various parts of ourselves, and use that awareness to facilitate change on a deeper level. Therapy can also provide an opportunity to create a safe and vulnerable relationship with the therapist in a healthy environment and work through any attachment concerns that arise in the moment.
Abigail R Hitchen PsyD
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